Christmas

This year is a special Christmas for me: it's my first Christmas as an atheist. No inner contemplation, no reflection on what it means to have a saviour come into the world, no sense of fulfillment. It is an empty shell of a holiday, and I would just rather sleep through the day and buy stuff on Boxing Day. Lots of people have asked me what I'm doing for Christmas, and the only answer they got was "I don't know", which was as often as not followed by an invitation to a dinner. One person in particular pushed the issue beyond normal pleasantries. He wasn't overbearing, and was really motivated by wanting to see me enjoy the holidays, but to be honest his actions kind of backfired. See, by not giving too much thought to Christmas, I was able to enjoy it at some superficial level. Now that I'm thinking about it, that superficial enjoyment has left the building with Elvis.

What remains is a form of bitterness coupled with a sense of self-sabotage and a touch of spite. I'm reminded of how much religion fucking stole from me, of the perpetual lies and deluded thinking that people maintain. God, I wish I could be more susceptible to the delusions that provide a higher sense of meaning an purpose, but for some reason I cannot. Reflecting on the "true" meaning of Christmas used to be my way of combating the inevitable observation that Christmas is nothing more than a giant commercialized holiday, but now that that sense, that reflection is gone, I can't help but see it as anything but. So why would I want to celebrate? What is there to gain from sitting down with friends and family to celebrate something that I don't sahre a belief in? And realistically, I have nothing else to fall back on.

If Christmas is a time to spend with family, I can't say I'm too fond of mine right now. Half the time Christmas meant surviving the warzone of family conflict. I can't say I'm too fond of conflict at any time, let alone at a time when peace is supposed to be cherished. So, there's this sense of not wanting to expose myself to an environment that could be potentially difficult. And it's not just the environment either. I can honestly say I don't like who my family members are.

My niece is a lippy, arrogant, know-it-all who swears, yells, and continually disrespects my mom - and she's only 13. I can't say that this is someone I respect, like, or want anything to do with. My mom puts up with it, compains about it, but doesn't do anything about it and wonders why it continues. It never ceases to frustrate me just being around that, and I simply don't want to be. My sister, well, she gave her daughter up about six or seven years ago because she felt like she didn't have enough opportunity to party, like she had missed out on her chidlhood. Nevermind that she planned to get pregant at fifteen. Now, she has a second due date in March, and even though my mom has had custody of my niece for several years now, my sister is actually considering keeping this kid. She barely speaks to her current daughter for fucks sake! And to top it all off, this pregnancy may have been planned as well. There are no words that can express the exasperation I feel over it all. This is the family I don't want to spend Christmas with. I just want to sleep through it.