I got a letter today. It had a cheque inside. I don't think I've ever been so disappointed to see a cheque for $100 with my name on it. This means my application to become a Freemason has been declined.

I remained open to the idea that this would happen. It's kind of hard for an atheist to be accepted into a fraternal organization that requires a belief in a supreme being. But I suppose I would rather be turned down for being honest than accepted under false terms. I struggled with this one a great deal, almost considering trying to find a way to justify a belief in God, but to no avail. I don't believe in God, or anything that could be considered such, and I will not subject myself to denial-type thinking or cognitive dissonance. I just don't work that way. The entire reason I became an atheist is because I searched exhaustively for answers and reasons to believe, and I ended up empty-handed. If my identity, value- and belief-system, sense of purpose, and spirituality was abandoned for sufficient reasons, why would I want to go back on that just to join a particular organization?

So, here I sit, disappointed and feeling let down. I don't know why. I should probably have expected this. Perhaps it's for the best. I mean, how comfortable would I feel around a bunch of other people who all advocate something that I consider to be irrational and illogical? I don't know if I'm saying that just to make myself feel better, or if it's a valid consideration.

It's kind of difficult to describe how I'm feeling right now. When I was in the middle of my application, I was open to certain ideas, like the oneness of the universe and a universal mathematical harmony. Now I just feel slightly bitter, and I want to embrace my atheism even more even though I feel like I've lost something because of it. But I'll never be one of those people who views loss as a valid reason to not believe something. Realistically, I gave up a lot of things when I was a Mormon, and I would give up a lot of things if I became any other religion. Hell, I give up a lot of things just being a student, and I would be giving up a lot of things if I weren't a student. It's just the nature of things I suppose.

Truth be told I don't blame them one bit. I knew full well what was expected when I applied. It's just that things changed for me from the time I first applied until the time when I was visited by the committee. It sucks that it turned out this way, but I don't feel the need to apologize for anything, least of all for who I am and for what I believe or don't believe. My ultimate loyalty is to the truth, and even if I am way off-base, I am pursuing it to the best of my ability.