April 12, 2009

Another birthday came and went. This one was fairly enjoyable - unlike last year's. Last year I turned 30. I had to say hello to another decade, and despite my best efforts, reflected on that age with an overwhelming sense of how single I am. But these become trivialized when compared to the crisis of faith that I experienced at that time.

There really was no distinct moment when I became an atheist. No event ushered in the change in perspective; no trump announced the paradigm shift. No, it was a process, a dilution of disillusion. As Julia Sweeney (Letting Go of God) so succinctly addresses God "sitting on his suitcases near the front door of [the] door", "sit here for a while if you want to; you can stay a little while if you need to. There's no big hurry".

This is not too different from my own experience. Perhaps the only thing that got me through it all was the amount of patience and love I allowed myself. There was no judgement for hanging on to old beliefs, only the allowing them to sit on their own suitcases by the door.

Looking back it's impossible to pinpoint the moment I lost my faith. I guess that's the nature of spectrums. Instead I chose to look back and assign an arbitrary date when I knew that I had lost my faith and was, for all intents and purposes, an atheist. This day was my 30th birthday.

So, my journey into the decade of 30 is paralleled with my journey into Cartesian doubt. If I would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in my life I doubt, as far as possible, all things (Descartes).

Having doubted the very core of my belief system and emerging on the other side has been an interesting experience. There is no way of expressing the joys and sorrows that are unique to this journey. Those who are not forced to walk it will forever be blissfully ignorant of it, and those who are join the club where members conceal their silent scars, and walk with a noble understanding that only their initiated fellows share.

It is this day, on my 31st birthday that I celebrate a year of freedom from dogmatic chains and rigid socialization. And while I would never want to experience another year such as the most recent one, I look forward to partaking of the wealth of information that was once forbidden or considered taboo.